Friday, 29 May 2009

trainsss. choo choooo.

what a delightful day of wandering aimlessly(ish) around Brum with the fabulous mystic being, name of Daisy. (:
my arse is now welded to a metal pipe, awaiting the arrival of the metal beast to whisk us back to the horror that is Hinckley.
having decided to walk from one end of the Bullring to Selfridges, and all round selfridges in brand new high heels, my feet are now completely killing.. as are Daisy's.
was also a very interesting observation, that when wandering around the top floors of Selfridges' in heels actually means you get respect and much less dirty looks from the stuck up shop assistants..

back to the black platform of Brum..
some evil person is teasing me with the delicious aroma of some form of food... damn you whoreee !
apologies, my stomach is incredibly selfish (:
anywayyy.. when i say my bum is welded to the metal thing, i fear it is not that secure, the empty starbucks between my knees taunts me as i slide, yet again, slowly down and remain in a heap on the platform..
grr, Birmingham, for the love of people's backsides, give us benches !

arghh ! i fear we are being stalked by an ameoba of Birmingham itself !
the organism in question has been circling us like a horrific mutation of a lonely shark for the pasty 20 minutes :|
the joys of platform 10a.
haaa, business people on a mission.. why wear heels if there is a possibility you're going to have to run for a train you lower mortal ?!
ohh no, not good, not good at all. :|
this blogger has just aquired pins and needles in the most inappropriate and uncomfortable area possible..
mmm, chocolate fingers, finger me baby (;

oh dear lord. the ameoba/circling mutated socially retarded shark has gone past again.. mumbling to himself without seeming to take a breath..
hmm, if only i was rich and could afford the 25quid dress from Blue Banana, it sucks being pooooor ):
the ameoba circles for the 17th time in half an hour..
and counting !

(on the train)
Daisy - "should it be wrong that the seat's warm.. ? ..... i feel like i'm sitting in a pool of alchy bum sweat !.."
haaaaaa, rozz is amused ^,^
Daisy then proceeds to discuss the quality of the queen's bum sweat.. "maybe it has a floral aroma.."

yes, we did get some dodgy looks (:
good day that was (Y) and i found i look fit in a dress (;


Wednesday, 27 May 2009

appropriate education.

this post is being published in relation to my dear brothel owners' latest post, which started off as an innocent..ish rambling about revision, and then continued to rant in an incredibly disturbing manner.. have a look
trust me, it's good stuff.
from this, we collaborated and have produced some fairly disturbing, but admittedly fantastic ideas about our most beloved history teacher and her secrets..

the class of
"where in the hecky is my clitoris" is naturally, taught by the fabulous, unique.. suspiciously male like history teacher, of name, Stefaniak babes.
the lesson in question is taught at the back of history lessons, when she shoves on a video about Hitler's left testicle, she waddles to the back and tells us the many wonders of how to find the clitoris...
it started quite innocently, although she did not actually direct us to the clitoris, she introduced us to the vajanjan using a live model (thomas roe, he manages to accomadate both sets of reproductive organs.. it's something to do with the saliva..) she simply said "and this is where you insert the dildo.."
oblivious to the worried faces, and nervous glances towards thomas roe's pants, stefaniak babes ploughs ahead with her favourite lesson of the day, and begins to describe her own area of where the clitoris is natural to..

anyone that knows stefaniak babes, will be well aware of her freakin' awesome hair do. i.e. a sleeping badger lobbed on her noggin (:
begining with the word "hair" thoughts of wild hedgerows infiltrate the innocent minds of year 10's, (year 11's are used to her lessons and therefore nudge the desk as close as possible to the orgasmic radiator we call Jim.)
and thats the first of many disturbences from the amazing stefaniak babes..

the next lesson they have, she brings her very polish boyfriend, sorry, husband in. Hitler is of course her first love, and enjoys being a nechrophiliac, (and yes i don't know how to spell that and it's too late to check,) with his very very decomposing corpse.. oh, she knows the whereabouts of his missing testicle..
but anyway..
she brings in her husband, who continues to damage the minds of chavvy year 10s (possibly a blessing..) with stories of the contents of her gigantic knickers..
the scariest thing of all, is not actually the hair..
it extends much further to findings of fish paste, thomas roe's saliva, evidentally left over from an incredibly exctiting and saliva invoking text book session (harry potter, we love you babe,) and most terrifyingly of all,

i apologise for any illness this may have caused.
as frankly, the thought of stefaniak babes naked is horrific enough, not to mention finding bits of hitler in her pubic hair..
i am sure you will all survive (:
if not, tough. there will be similar pleasant postings :D


Tuesday, 26 May 2009


webcam has come as a revolution to the modern world,
amazing as it is that you can now see people who are thousands of miles away.. never ceases to enthrall.. ha.

although some people may see it as a boom, there are incredible downsides to it..
ones i found out at the tender age of 14
i'm sure i'm psychologically scarred for life because of some testosterone fuelled fool who decided to whack his c*ck out on msn, when i was distracted.
comes as a tad of a shock when you look up from writing utter b*llocks for history coursework to find some idiot has decided to throw away any decency and start w*nking on cam, thinking that you will enjoy it completely.

however, as many men have yet to realise, a penis, is really not overly attractive.
fair enough, if you're horny, go ahead, sort it out.. but in PRIVATE you buffoons.
if you find yourself having a desperate urge to show people, for the love of god, become a porn star.
or a gimp.

but please spare us poor, innocent people from mental damage, and loss of decent eyesight..
just one glimpse by accident and you're blinded momentarily.

there are of course those, rather fairly disturbed girls, who also think it's attractive to whack things out on cam, well for the life of me, i do not want to know.
i am really very content being straight, and therefore really do not need to know what kinda of derranged goings on occur with unhinged sex manics over webcam, but from what i've heard from James, it can be incredibly worrying and entirely unpleasant.
as he says, "there are porn sights for that kinda thing."
i utterly agree to be frank (:

it's also incredibly disturbing when you sign into msn and then you're looking through facebook or whatever, and you see someone's talking to you, starts off as normal conversation.. "hello how are you.." etc
then after a few lines of general chat, you just get "i'm horny, want to see my cock ?"
before then you were thinking they were relatively sane and kinda nice to talk to, you get to that point and you just think, "shit. i'm talking to a sex mad perverted a*sehole."
at which point you block and delete the idiot and pray to God to give them a few braincells and a reduction of testosterone.

ahh, the inovation of webcam eh ?
i shall now stop ranting and return next time with the possibility of alchy goings on (:


technological joys.

ohh technology
aren't we such a lucky generation to feel the full wrath of the like of bill gates, steve jobs (b*stard) and richard branson.
we have the joys of such things as texting, email, im, voicemail..
so many different ways to get so shocking disturbed my randomers :D

don't get me wrong, i love taking full advantage of being able to text someone on the move to organise something or general chat if i'm bored brain dead, but i get seriously worried, and a tad irritated when recieving random messages such as
"i want to shag you babe"
from an unknown number, personally, i don't care if you want to shag me lovey, i don't know who you are, and quite frankly, i think you're unhinged and very disturbed..

there is also the chance that you recieve messages in text talk, which drives me absolutely round the frigging bend.
"hey, ows u ? wuu2 ? u cumin bk 2 town bbe ? luv u bbe x tb x"
i mean seriously, have you people not heard of english ?!
fair enough, if you're in a rush, that's an acceptable excuse, but still, it's appalling, and words like LMAO and PMSL i had no idea what in satans knickers they meant until i asked someone fluent in text language. when i first read ROFL i thought it was some unsightly disease..

you also get the stalker on text..
the one that's constantly telling you that they "love" you, possibly because they can't pull anyone in person, but also because they just have a fettish for your face.
there's those stalkers, and then the mentally unhinged ones that go paranoid about how many kisses you put at the end of each message, put one less than before and hell breaks loose.
for example.

S "how are you baby ? love you xxxxx"

R "fine thanks, yourself bab ? xxxx"

S "good, i'm alright thanks, you up to much ? (: xxxxx"

R "good (: nah, not really, you ? xxx"

S "oh, not really, just thinking, you don't like me do you.. ? xxxx"

R "huh ? of course i like you.. why do you say i don't ? :S xxx"

S "you never put that many kisses anymore, or say love you.. xx

i mean, can you be seriously saying, that just because i put a few less kisses, it means i don't like you ?!
ah the fun of texting :D it makes things so much interesting when "x"s come into play..
ohh my brain does enjoy a good ramble of the various ways people can communicate, especially when there are so many different methods of being rejected by technology..
email, im, phone, voicemail, text, etc. it's fantastic how stressed you can become about hearing from a person, and then the fear of giving the wrong person the message..
ringing the wrong number and not realising, or texting the wrong person.. especially when your judgement is impeded by alcohol, that one's always interesting !
i was once told by a wise friend never to keep an exs number and consider texting them when you're off your face, apparently it can have disasterous consequences..

however, i think this whore has been allowed to ramble for long enough
phew, my brain really does know how to talk cr*p (:


Monday, 25 May 2009

itunes you b*stard.

why, in the name of f*ck, does itunes, randomly decide, to be a complete and utter tw*at.
don't get me wrong, i am deeply in love with ronald. who unfortunately a product of apple, and is therefore forced to be tortured by the mass pile of dog turd that is in fact itunes.

there i am, at about 1am, happily listening to some fool singing about loving someone alot and i decide to go onto an application of mine, as the person i am texting has evidentally fallen asleep, and the effort it would take to be evil and repeatedly send them texts until they woke up again was just not going to happen.

as i was saying, sliding through the numerous screens on ronald, i press on the application i so desire to finger intently until sleep decides to save me from steve jobs' appallinng work of the apple firm. awaiting the loading of sudoku, i am aware that may be seen as sad, but in my current state, i really don't give a f*ck.
shocked was i, when it failed to s*dding load.
however, as it had happened before, i thought fine, it just means i'll have to reset the whole thing tomorrow but merh.

so i was finally consumed by sleep and drifted off, having lovely dreams of smurfs and sun flowers.

and here i am.
on my third s*dding attempt at restoring ronald.
as itunes seems incapable of syncing all my previous music, despite the fact that it's all in the music library you f*cktard.
instead of the 800 + songs i am used to, i now get lumped with 204.
what the hell am i going to do with a mere 204 songs ?
it's just disgraceful.

and in addition to the poor amount of songs i now apparently have, itunes seems intent with p*ssing me off further, telling me every 5 cr*pping seconds, that it's apparently doing something. sadly whatever it's doing is much less that helpful, just p*ss irritating as it results in s*d all usefulness.
in all honestly mr steve jobs, you are a f*cktard and really need to get the hint that your software, SUCKS. if you ever find yourself in a position where you are being repeatedly smashed over the head with a tin of heinz baked beans by a crazed woman, that woman will be me, as i refuse to accept that you are a bloke with any idea of how sh*t your work is.

on a happier note, ronald is a very good piece of technology.
he is just ashamed that he was created by you and your perverted tendancies to f*ck the majority of the itunes - using world off.

please let me know if you can summen the energy to apologise to us all.
regards you f*cktard


coffee and magic.

imagine two ipods.. two ipods deeply in love..
meet ronald and arnold. these pieces of technology have been united by love.
that, and a shared obsession with the maccabees, joshua radin, and similar ear sex icons.

i fear this is some very obscure gay relationship, but still, they're in love !
who am i to judge ?

soo, basically, ronald and arnold reguarly enjoy very rough, possibly gay, rumpy pumpy. they have decided that they are going to have sex and then sleep together, however ronald has other ideas..
he thinks that they should sleep together first, minus the very excitable bum sex, just to see if they can cope in the same bed as eachother and that one of them doesn't kick the other out constantly.
or snore.
that's just completely unacceptable.
i mean passing wind is bad enough, but snoring is just diabolical.

after a peaceful night of canoodling under the covers with arnold, ronald decides that it would be appropriate and enjoyable to allow arnold into his knickers.
this thought excites a sexually frustrated arnold, so when the time comes for sex, he is incredibly eager and prepared, equiped with the tastiest novelty condom and heavy duty earphones, they get down to it and ronald comes out feeling incredibly happy and sexed up.

this however, leads to a very whoreish tendancy, which spreads to the proud owners of the ipods.
the owners then proceed to mirror the careful steps of ronald and arnold, and results in rozz becoming heavily pregnant,
worrying, cameron also falls pregnant with a fifth child in the space of two weeks.

this is not a form of porn.
unless of course you are a very excitable ipod, in which case you should meet arnold.
or ronald.
both of them are slags ;)

i apologise if i have killed someone's fantasy of ronald and arnold actually being humans..
but in reality, they are simply incredibly horny ipods who have a fettish for.. well, eachother (Y)

dedicated to cameron..
an awesome guy, it has to be said (:


ahh summer.

this is how summer should be,
cloudless blue sky, bright shining yellow blob, or the sun if you have intellegance (:
a wonderful bottle of pear cider, massive sunglasses, and a ball of E numbers that refuses to shrink (:
sadly i can hardly see the screen of my laptop, therefore this will probably be full of spelling mistakes, but merhhh (: get over it you grammar freaks, of which i include myself so y'know, hypocritical thoughts hereee
anyway, back to the shock of witnessing a sunny day in England. usually the British summer constists of rain, clouds, rain, sleet, rain, hail, and possibly a tad more rain. gets a bit tiresome i seem to find.

ohh s*d.. i must attempt to hide the pear cider much more successfully than what i am achieving
merely because i decided to take the bottle cause i fancied some and my mother may go ape if she finds its gone.
parents are such a responsibility !
so other than the mission it is to concele the alcohol from my mum, and the fact that i look like a bug with the shades, in other news, i have finally reached a bluey layer in my gobstopper, however not much of the sugar hass in fact been eroded, and therefore it is still a b*tch to try and suck.
gutted, absolutely gutted.

i am also being bombarded with texts from a friend complaining about having a strange encounter with her boyfriend.,.
so basically, she complains when she doesn't have one, then when she does have one, she continues to complain :|
how is any of that supposed to make sense ?!
i mean good lord, i don't have a boyfriend right now, and at least i don't feel the need to grumble about it,
it's just nice to be able to go out and think, "phwoarrr, i would" and not have to feel guilty about having an other half !
obviously that isn't always the case..
sometimes, you just think, "urgh, i mean, who would :|" eg, if you saw thomas roe.. but then again he has a fettish for Stefaniak babes that is irrisistable, however the amount of salivation that would occur.. urgh, i feel quite ill ):

ohh i feel so cosmopolitan (:
the orgasmic glasses, the denim shorts, the laptop and the agony aunt status among friends..
what more can you want ?!

puddle of mudd - blurry.

ohh dear lord, my laptop just has to die at the moment i don't want it to, they should make laptop batteries last longer really. i mean c'mon, i can't help lobbing so much cr*p on it that it dies withing half an hour if it's not attatched to the mains, it's pitiful, pitiful i tell you !

however, i must leave you and enter back into the world of chocolate muffins, ronald, and flip flops that are driving me mad (: ohh i love you all
happy reading (Y)


Sunday, 24 May 2009

ronald needs attention.

what in the name of satans many wizards, is the point of earphones that break stupidly easily :|
if i wanted crap, i would have gone to wilkos.
i would
not have wasted many moneys on a pair from currys. which is as expensive as sh*t.
its insane ! for the love of Stefaniak babes' (good lord i shall miss her and her Hitler wanton) insane hair do,
make a set of earphones that can live up to the rough sex life of Ronald you bunch of ear sex sadists. :|
goood lord its like a load of old people designing them, they dont want us young people with lives and decent hearing listening to good music, just because Gorden s*dding Brown cant be bothered to get off his fat backside and give them hearing aids :|
they have to make do with a big grammar phone horn type thing.

pahaaaa. Gorden Brown
trying to smile, frigging hilariousss i tell you (:

mm, ronald baby, move meee (:
well he would if i had some f*cking earphones to listen to him :|
instead of trying to make do with a left one...

anywayy (: chris brown -
ohh i love this song, i fear i am growing attatched, only by the lug hole, but still.. attachment non the less (:

i am growing tired of the earphone polava.. time for a change methinks (:
pointless conversations on msn..

the witless ding bat / chav that can only use words such as
"LOL." or, "ASL." i mean honestly, if the screen name is Sharon, say, and the display picture is of a GIRL do you honestly feel the need to ask what s*dding gendre she is you f*ck tard !?!
grow a pair numb nuts (:
hang on.. i think thats directed at my ex.. urgh, get out of my head you noooooob.
you have no such thing as a brain outside sex, i mean c'mon, who else is sad enough to stay up purposely to watch stuff to learn more about sex ?!
t*sspots, thats who.. ahh Rozz you have been a fool my lovely (:

anywayy, i shall now stop rambling as i fear my thoughts have trickled down to my fingers and they are fully caffinated from Starbucks and vanilla coffee, from which my bl*ody caffitiere broke,
again a tad miffed i was >.<


oh the joys od the pond life of various regions of this wonderful country..
having said that, some places offer more variety of pond life, so really it's just rock pools.
people in Hinckley are indeed scary stuff, they create much concern for the sanity of interlectuals in the area, and hence why many of us are willing to escape as soon as we are done with education, for which we are prodded to carry on with.

gob stoppers (Y)
i thought my mouth could cope.. i was wrong ):
the ball of E numbers that cost me 2 frigging quid, has still not shrunk significantly, although it has been glued to my lips for the past hour :|
what in the name of arse are these things made of ?!
other than dodgy colouring that invoke many pleasant thoughts of mouldy scabs gone wrong..
but hey, it keeps me busy when forced to haul myself through the pain of history revision :|

happy readings, my minds occupied with junk, mainly about guys.. good lord you bunch are a burden :|
toodles my happy bees.