and so i inch ever closer to insanity..

i fear i'm going to kill the usually witty and amusing nature of my usual posts on this blog, but to be frank, i'm rather in the frame of mind for being moody and realistic.. it just seems rather appropriate that i happen to be noticing things that aren't going right or have changed and which i don't like recently.. it's not that my life's being flushed down the pan and it's getting stuck in the u - bend with various floating unpleasanties as company, but a combination of a bitch of a headache and missing alot of things that used to seem so normal have brought my mood down a far few notches. in fact it was only really high because my internet finally agreed to post a bloody photo. granted it's hot and is residing somewhere to the right of this post, but y'know.

what's kinda set it off is the fact that Cameron McD-B is being utterly bloody dilusional about his image, and i'm starting to swear again, it's because i'm tired and aggrovated. basically he reckons he's fat when he obviously smegging isn't. if he's fat then i'm a morbelly obese dwarf for christ's sake. it's like trying to teach a stone that he can't transform into a pool of water. it's just not going to happen. and then it's an overdose of sorry. i mean fair enough, one is okay, but after a while you feel like saying it backwards to see if they understand.. i'm not entirely sure why i've gone on about that actually, basically he's not fat and he's dillusional. end of.

and then ever since his girlfriend decided that she didn't want Joshua to meet me in August, it's almost like he's stopped talking to me as much, granted he's probably busy or with friends or whatever, but it seems like he's trying to get rid of me :\ when he almost always used to text me back, he doesn't anymore, or when i'm texting him at night i used to get a text in the morning saying sorry for falling asleep. i don't know if it's just me being paranoid, which is fairly likely, but i miss the raging lesbian. especially as now i'm not sure if i can meet him in august, and it's looking unlikely because i don't want his girlfriend to go ape at him. argh, it sucks so much thinking about it )':

then there's Tom.. he used to be one of my closest friends.. and now it's practically nothing. we hardly even say hi or talk in general now and i really miss it. when i rang him when i was locked out my house ages ago, it was weird because i hadn't spoken to him in absolutely ages. i hate it how it's changed so much, i really do, if i could go back to what was normal like the hour long phone calls with me high on coffee and jelly beans i frickin' would. i hate that we don't talk or anything, it's utter shit to be blunt )':

inevitably i'm always going to come back to the age old idiot that is Sebastian, and in times of missing things and basically fed up with the world which is fairly contradictory to what i said earlier, i can't help it. i miss the bloody arse. okay so he was obsessed with sex and he was almost as weight conscious as me and he groaned whenever i sang down the phone, but he was there to talk to, to shout at, to laugh at and abuse light heartedly. i should be over him by now and sometimes i think i am, then i think about it and i end up comparing people to him and i feel like a needy idiot. which is actually what i am but ARGH. i moan so damn much. i need to change. i need to get a new hairstyle and a new body and new eyes.
having said that, my eyes are quite nice, so maybe i'll just get some green contacts for ocassions where i want green iris's.

i miss so many things that used to seem routine or plain normal. and thinking about it, i'm going to miss Daisy so frigging much )':
i mean i knew she was going to Lutterworth ages ago, but i still thought i'd see her a fair bit. but then again, we're both going to have so much work to do and then she has theatre groups to go to, alot more friends to stayin touch with and i doubt the memories of GCSE art and history will remain that memorable to be honest. i realise i'm being utterly pessamistic which isn't good, but i think i'm going to miss the memories and watching her fall off her chair and our talk about brothels. gah. tonight utterly sucks.
not only am i being uber depressing and needy and sad, i've also drank far too much caffine so i need the loo every 2 minutes. why was i not given a more capable bladder ? for the love of God.

right, i'm going to try and think of something happy to write to replace this diabolical piece of utter drivvle so i can be happy when i read it back and then move on from the patheticness of my current existance in this mean little world.
GAH ! shut up Rozz.
now.


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